5 Things to Avoid Doing on a Blind Date

By Linda Yellin
Author of The Last Blind Date
When I was in high school, blind dates scared me. (Actually all dates scared me, but especially dates with strangers). My favorite thing to do would be go to a movie— a long movie—so I wouldn’t have to make conversation beyond “Pass the popcorn.” Afterward the date and I could go for a burger and I’d have something to talk about: The Movie.

In time I evolved past the point where I worried that I wouldn’t have anything to say to a guy. I even moved past “What if he doesn’t like me?” to “What if I don’t like him?” And first dates, blind or otherwise, became more varied. As I look back on these forays into love —and I am thrilled, yes thrilled, to be looking back and no longer dating. I was terrible at it. Really terrible. I thank my husband every day for marrying me. I realize there are definitely Good Ideas for first dates and Bad Ideas. These are a few of the bad ones, with the caveat that they’re being served up by someone who hated dating.

1) Avoid any activity that involves danger. This includes anything requiring large four-legged animals, fast engines, surfboards, speed bikes, roller skates or mountain ranges. You want your date going home with you—not a paramedic.

VIDEO: Who is Linda Yellin and where did she come from?

2) Avoid any activity that produces sweat. Some days there just isn’t enough deodorant in the world to offset that dreamy walk through a conservatory (good for orchids, bad for armpits); crowded dance floor; beachside cookout; or office softball game. There’s just no way, no how, that seepage beneath your shirtsleeves will make a good impression. An impression, yes. A good one, no. Bowling might be okay if you’re not too athletic, but only if you have the kind of butt you want to show off. And Bikram yoga? Bad idea. Bad bad bad. Under any circumstances.

3) Don’t do anything that will highlight your flaws. Everyone has a personality blemish or two and eventually you have to own up to them. That’s when you get to say, “I’m loved despite my flaws!” But before then, keep the bad news to yourself. Let your new date get suckered into, I mean, fall in love with, your finer qualities first so by the time they learn you talk through the Philharmonic or cheat during Scrabble or pick fights in bars, it’s too late. They can’t live without you. Which is why my friend Annabelle never went out again with the guy who was so cheap, rather than order juice at their first—and last—date, he squeezed a ketchup packet into a glass of cold water.

4) Weddings are not appropriate getting-to-know-you date settings. You walk into a wedding with someone, anyone—even the parking lot attendant—and every other guest you’ve ever met in your entire life will want to know if “you two are next?” There’s something about weddings that makes everybody else in the room want anyone without a ring on their finger to promptly fall in love. How embarrassing to be asked, “So how long have you two lovebirds been dating?” and have to answer: “Twenty minutes.” The only thing worse is being seated at the Singles Table. Which is why you might want to bring a date you know.

5) Any idea you’ve ever seen on Millionaire Matchmaker (a show I happen to love) is a stupid idea. Pole-dancing. Weightlifting. Hauling junk. Couples massages. There’s a reason those millionaires need to hire someone to help them find dates. And there’s a reason I’m always thinking “Whoa… it doesn’t matter how much money you have, buddy…”

The more I think about it, a movie followed by a burger might be the way to go. But not an X-rated movie. That’s another thing to avoid. “I loved that scene where Mickey Rourke did that thing with his tongue,” can make for awkward conversation.

Why Do Women Avoid Ending Friendships?

It’s simple human nature to want to avoid conflict. But by not addressing the problem—or by mishandling the break-up—you might guarantee discomfort and unhappiness for days, weeks, maybe years, says Liz Pryor, Good Morning America’s advice guru and author of What Did I Do Wrong?: When Women Don’t Tell Each Other the Friendship Is Over. She shares the story of former friends, Terry and Mia, to illustrate.

In her book Connecting: The Enduring Power of Female Friendship, Sandy Sheehy says, “Merely acknowledging that we might want to stop being friends with someone brings a nagging sense of failure and guilt.”

I didn’t detect the guilt in Terry, quite frankly, but I think that like many women who initiate this experience, Terry has a feeling of entitlement that says we’re allowed to choose our friends and end our friendships in whatever way we see fit. It is our own choice and it doesn’t make us bad people. All of which is entirely true. We aren’t bad people because we want to end a friendship, but the way in which we choose to end it can be more or less bad in the hurt that it causes.

The contrast between Mia’s and Terry’s feelings is striking. For Mia, the ending came out of nowhere, throwing her into complete emotional turmoil. Terry, on the other hand, is merely annoyed by the inconvenience this experience has brought to her daily life.

Perhaps the people who are ending the friendship (the initiators) are scared they will be perceived as unkind. Perhaps what Sheehy says is right on—by acknowledging to their friend that they don’t want to be friends, they bring on a feeling of failure and guilt. Thus they don’t do it!

The receiver here, Mia, suffers more than rejection and sadness. She actually begins to question and blame herself for the failure. She puts herself through the ringer searching for answers she can never find. When all else fails, she decides to ask her friend, “Is something wrong?”

The initiator responds, “Nothing is wrong.” Now the receiver can’t trust her own intuition, which is usually founded on fact. The friend who is without a doubt leaving her life, has said, “Nothing is wrong.” The initiator is refusing to acknowledge her own behavior, so the receiver is permeated

with a sense of helplessness, because her intuition has been sabotaged. Yet instincts are rarely wrong, and it’s crucial for receivers to follow them.

Writing a letter can help at this point. When Mia wrote to Terry, she got her feelings in order and down on paper, which helped her find some emotional footing again. It may have let Terry see that Mia is aware of what Terry is doing. Mia gains back some sense of control and can begin to trust herself again. Terry doesn’t have to respond to the letter; the fact that Mia sent it was enough to give Mia the fortitude to move forward. It would also help ease her future contact with Terry, make it less fraught with emotion. Thinking of the number of times she would see Terry in the weeks and years to come had been overwhelming and forced her need to do something.

After writing a letter, the receiver can take charge and move ahead in her own life. Yet there is no doubt that a woman will mourn the loss of an intimate girlfriend just as she would mourn the death of a loved one. As shattering as it is, how we choose to handle it can become a profound lesson in resilience.

Most of the women who decide to end a friendship have been toying with the idea well before they actually start leaving, so by the time they do begin their quiet departure, they are already emotionally detached. That’s very evident in Terry’s side of the story. I’ve yet to meet an initiator who had any idea of the total emotional upheaval she was causing in her friend’s life. In fact, her intent is to avoid hurting the friend she’s leaving. Initiators believe at the time that they’re doing the right thing. In fact, they feel consciously decent and kind, as they think they are saving their friend from the crushing reality. Initiators are so emotionally detached that they don’t see their friend is already suffering.

To choose to avoid rather than confront is tempting. Because there will be no outside judgment it becomes even more tempting. Then we convince ourselves we do it to spare the feelings of our friend, who will surely be hurt by the truth about why we don’t want to hang out with her anymore. To the initiator of the ending, it can feel almost too good to be true, and a lot of the time it is.

We have to consider the consequences of our choices. Our not acknowledging that we are indeed ending the friendship is what could be considered lying by omission. To deny something is wrong when a friend asks, is an actual lie.

An alternative for Terry’s “Nothing’s wrong” is to acknowledge to Mia what is going on. It is tougher to think about than to actually do it, but once it’s over, it’s really over. By not addressing the problem, she guarantees discomfort and unhappiness for days, weeks, and maybe years.

It is simple human nature to want to avoid conflict. Sandy Sheehy says inConnecting, “The idea of ending a friendship is something women kind of chicken out at.” It’s their desire to avoid conflict, or their wish to be seen as “nice.”

Those who initiate the ending don’t really want to hear advice. As a former serial initiator, I know this from experience. Once this process gets going, it is very difficult to switch course. So initiators should give conscious thought to an ending before actually starting the process. Friendships define so much of who we are, they deserve our acknowledgment of their endings. These girlfriends we’ve loved have had a huge effect on our lives and we on theirs. We need to pay attention.

10 Online Dating Rules for Women

Here’s how not to scare off a potential match, because even a harmless-seeming e-mail can sabotage online dating. From The Rules for Online Dating by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.

Whether you were recently hurt or haven’t been in a relationship for a while, you want immediate gratification and compensation for all the pain and heartache of recent years or even decades. But get a grip and tell yourself there is no shortcut to courtship, things take time, so you must not act impatiently or desperately. You are a CUAO (Creature Unlike Any Other), remember? You need to force yourself to refrain from saying anything too intense or negative that could scare a man away. Unfortunately, no matter what your heart says, you must hold back a bit for your own good.

Here are Rules to help you be light and breezy in your e-mails:

1. Sometimes giving a man no answer is being light and breezy. If a man doesn’t write you a sentence or two specific to your ad, but rather just sends you his profile through a “wink” or a “rose” (stock-response features that allow you to click on an ad and send your profile to the chosen ad), or if he sends a photo only, do not respond at all. It shows no effort, very little interest in you, merely a click of a button. Just delete it. He is just using online dating for fun, not to seriously meet someone. He’s just cruising online.
2. If a man sends you an e-mail and he doesn’t have a photo online, say “Would love to see a photo. Thanks.” That’s it, nothing else. Do not have a long conversation with this man no matter how interesting and long his e-mail to you was. If he refuses to send his photo, there is usually a reason. We are not being superficial here. When he does respond with a photo and you like it, do not write “Cute pic” or “Nice abs.” Just say “Thanks for the photo” and answer his questions.
3. Don’t tell a man you checked his profile, even if you did. Just write back in response to his e-mail, “You sound nice,” and anything else you want to say. Do not write, “Read your ad, my brother is also an accountant, and he also played basketball in college. I love skiing and tennis too…We seem to have a lot in common.” As a Rules girl, you are too busy to be memorizing men’s ads, remember? Even though you did.
4. Do not look through his profile for conversation pieces. For example, do not notice that he is newly divorced and say, “Sorry about your marriage…why did it end?” or see that he has two children and ask their ages. None of your business at this point. Save it for when you are dating awhile or when he brings it up. Also, don’t ask questions about his work. It’s an obvious ploy to find out how much money he makes and if he will be a good provider. Take a chance if you like him, don’t worry about his income. Let him ask a few questions about you. Women tend to get into these long question-and-answer sessions with men online and it is a complete waste of time as most never even make it to date zero anyway.
5. Never e-mail a man a second time if he neglected to respond to your e-mail, even if you think that he is your future husband or soul mate. Never! E-mailing a man twice in a row is the antithesis of being light and breezy. He may be away on business or just busy, and you will come across as desperate, or he may just poof! If he does, just let him poof! Don’t think his or your computer is not working. On some systems, you can check sent mail to see if the e-mail has been read. Do not e-mail him, “Wasn’t sure if you got my last e-mail…” He did! If he never e-mails you again, so be it, next! Just know that if you do e-mail him twice in a row and he responds, you will have made yourself the pursuer. He will know how much you like him, and the relationship will follow suit.
6. If you get any angry e-mails back, such as “I want more than three sentences from someone I would want to date, someone open and honest, no games,” hit the delete button. However, if a man writes back nicely and says “Tell me more about yourself,” you can tell him a hobby or two or favorite TV show or about your recent ski trip.
7. For the first three months, do not initiate e-mails; only respond to e-mails he sends you — and only if his e-mail merits a response to a question. Do not e-mail back if he sends you a joke or just says something like, “Did I tell you how adorable you are?” although if he sends these kinds of complimentary e-mails regularly you can wait for three to add up and e-mail back, “That is so sweet, thank you.” Just wait 24 hours before you e-mail him back.
8. Don’t be a downer. If you had a bad day, your job is on the line, money problems, health scare, and so on, do not weave it into your e-mail conversations as a way of bonding with this man. For example, don’t say “Crazy week. 30 people were let go at work. I could be next. Mother just diagnosed with cancer. Last boyfriend was a jerk, hope you are different.” This might be fine for your girlfriends, even a female acquaintance, but it is not the way to get close to a potential date. On the contrary, it will make the average man think “Nut case!” or “Who wants to hear her problems?” and he will never ask you out. Instead say, “Hi, got your e-mails…crazy busy with work…going to work out now and burn off some Italian food from last night…have a really great day…”
9. After three or four months, you can initiate one quick fun e-mail – such as a joke, or something that made you think of him, but nothing about sex, just a small innocent e-mail. For example, if he is a basketball fan and his favorite team lost the playoffs the night before, you can e-mail him, “Hi, there. Hope you’re doing well. Sorry about the Knicks. Maybe next year!”
10. Words never to use in your e-mails and things never to discuss in e-mails (even if he does):
    • soul mate
    • dream man
    • commitment
    • commitment-phobia
    • anything about sex
    • his or your long-term plans
    • ex-boyfriend
    • ex-husband
    • last relationship
    • marriage
    • connection
    • intimacy
    • or anything about game-playing (e.g., “I don’t play games”).
    It all sounds good on paper, but you cannot write “soul mate” and think you will get one that way. A soul mate is someone who responds to your ad, doesn’t give up e-mailing you, tries to get your number to get a date with you and is a loving and fun companion. Unfortunately, you cannot attract this by writing the word down any more than you can attract wealth by writing down the word “money.” Be patient. More will be revealed. It takes time to figure out who your soul mate is. So beyond looking desperate, it is really a waste of time to write down “waiting for my soul mate” or anything like it.